Maybe this is the boring band wagon “hey what’s going on with me at [x] weeks”…but I can’t help myself…maybe just palm it off to the hormones. I’ve been milking them as an excuse..and plan to do so for the next 24+ weeks.
This is me 13 weeks
To be honest, I’m just hungry and thirsty all the time. I find that I can’t eat as much, but I have to eat more often. I LOVE spicy things. I have been eating bread every single day, and all of my IBS symptoms are gone. I’m loving salty/fatty things. I WAS that girl who was eating hot chips/fries with vinegar and chicken salt, at the mall on a wooden bench..at 10:30am. Go me. I’ve also had really WEIRD food cravings for things I ate growing up (cream of mushroom soup with white rice, chicken fried steaks, Spaghettios). I haven’t made or bought any of them, but I have fleeting cravings. There was a week, about week 8, where all I ate was tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwhiches.
Body Image/Food Stuff
Man, when I first found out I was prego..I FREAKED OUT. I actually binged for about a week, then I stopped because I just accepted that I had to eat when I was hungry. More importantly that I was going to have a body that was going to change. I will write more about this, because I have been brewing blog post for the past 8 weeks. It’s been a huge and beautiful mental shift. Calorie counting apps are gone. I’m done. I just listen to what I want. I eat what I crave, for the most part. I avoided donuts all day yesterday. I’m feeling ok with my body. I’m not ‘eating for two’, but I’m eating when I’m hungry. If I don’t, I wake up at 2am and have to eat something.
To be honest, the first 12 weeks are a bit of tired blur. I mean, like try to peel your eye lids off of your eye-balls kinda tired. I haven’t done much of anything. However, I have been going on nightly 30-40 minutes walks and that’s about all I can handle. I’m happy with that. I’m feeling more energetic and am contemplating getting a gym membership so I can do the treadmill, some easy gym classes and circuit training when it gets super hot during the summer.
Well, we got through the 12 week scan this week. I found it very stressful. It’s the scan for Downs and two other chromosomal disorders. I thought about it a lot..and I have my opinions about the test..and I don’t feel like opening the can of worms as to whether you abort or not abort based upon these and other tests. However, I told Andrew I wasn’t going to abort. All of my bloods and ultrasound came back with flying colours, so I shall just keep on keepin’ on.
I’m growing a human being. Geeze! It’s amazing when you see eyes, fingers, toes, legs, bladders, stomachs, a spine, brain, heart pumping etc. AMAZING. Then I cry. Every single time I see the little one and/or hear it’s heartbeat. Oh, it’s heartbeat is 152.
Well, that’s my little weekly update. I’m in a good spot. In fact I’m 8 weeks binge free. A true blessing.
So, lets be honest here. The first trimester of being prego…is welll…like having the end of exam week + x1000 hangovers + driving on a really windy road…every second. I didn’t have time to blog, and I’m sorry about that, with all the wedding (re)planning, international travel, etc. This girl was exhausted. I have SOOOO much that I want to talk about, but I shall just talk about how we found out that I was prego and kinda what happened.
As you may have remembered…we went to Kalbarri in Mid-September. (you may notice alcohol in photos on link. I didn’t know I was prego at the time!)
We had planned this a little last minute, because I was in full melt-down mode at work, hated life, was crying pretty much every day leading up to it. Couldn’t sleep, had visited two doctors. Once gave me a sleeping pill and the other discussed anti-depressants.
Little did I know, I was in the early stages of being pregnant. The crying hasn’t stopped, I’ve been warned it won’t stop.
I got back from Kalbarri, of which I dealt with car sickness (not an uncommon thing, but it was more profound) and one episode of “if you don’t feed me right now I’m gonna punch someone” … feed the prego girl! My boobs also hurt (classic sign). So I went to the store and peed on one, two, three, four and FIVE sticks over the next 24 hours. Two different brands.
I was siting on the toilet and I started shaking. The faint distinct blue ‘+’ simple appeared. Frantically re-read the instructions….IT CAN’T BE! I walked out of the bathroom, and Andrew was in the kitchen. I looked at him and said “I’m Pregnant!” and he goes “That’s GREAT!”…I responded by crying and saying “NO, this is the WORST TIMING EVER. I’m gonna pee on more sticks!”
IT CAN’T BE
- I had a Hens/Bachelorette night in two weeks (of which I drank virgin drinks the whole night, and went to a nightclub totally sober so I wouldn’t blow my cover. I was only 6 weeks along)
- Andrew had just been short-listed for a job on the other side of the country (which he ended up not getting)
- I had, on Friday of that week, accepted a new job and cut my hours down at my other job
- I was flying home in 3 weeks to plan a wedding in June 2014
- The baby was due in June 2014
- I had to tell everyone in my family that I was 4.5-5 weeks prego and cancel the June wedding
A mess. I beautiful mess, but a mess.
I went to the doctor on Monday morning, after I had peed on five sticks which all came back positive.
“What brings you here today?”
“Well, I think I’m pregnant”
“Why is that?”
“Well, I’ve peed on five sticks and they’ve all come back positive!”
“Michelle, you’re pregnant!”
I did my normal fall-back emotion of crying a lot. Called family. Increased our very small and casual November wedding to THE wedding. Bought a wedding dress in America, had a corset back put into it so I could grow. And really just embraced what life had given us.
It’s been a whirlwind, to say the least. It’s been an amazing experience so far. I promise to write more about everything, especially about food, body image, and bowel movements (no one ever warned me about that).
We had our 12 weeks scan yesterday. All results (blood and ultrasound) seem to be all in the clear. (I’ll write more about that as well).
So here’s to the wedding and a little Gay-Pope.
Life is a bit nuts at the moment. I’ve been planning my wedding, working full-time, getting the house organised, and planning the post-wedding fun with my Dad/Mom/Sister.
I’m super excited. How cool are these wedding cake toppers that I got done off of this etsy.com shop
There has been some interesting, I’d say even more interesting stuff, changing in my own psyche…more important than planning weddings, holidays for family, etc. For the past 6-7 weeks I’ve stopped calorie counting. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I’ve had some medical stuff go on and more importantly some spiritual stuff go one..whereby I’ve relinquished the reigns and just let be let be.
That’s involved stopping when I’m full. Eating ice cream, McDonald’s French Fries..etc. It means long beach walks, stopping flogging myself with working out, swimming, and sleeping a lot more.
You know what is amazing?
I HAVEN’T BINGED ONCE.
Nope, did you read that?
I haven’t binged once. Not at all. I HAVE struggled with some body image issues, I think that most Brides do…but I’ve given myself the space to process them, have asked for space in that need to process them and have dealt with my ‘drug of choice to numb’ food. I’ve steered away from shaming myself for eating certain things, I’ve been able to deal with impulsive desires to ‘eat the whole pantry’..and for the first time in a long time dealt with the fears I have around food.
I still have moments, but I don’t feel overwhelmed by them. I don’t have rules about food anymore. I eat what I want, when I’m hungry…that’s it really. I don’t put restrictions on anything anymore. I got to sleep when I’m tired and probably wake up too early sometimes.
I’m learning how to feel free. I’m learning to listen to my body. I’m learning that there is hope of releasing the chains that food addiction/fear/cycle can be let go. I’m learning to repair and foster a relationships with myself.
It’s bloody brilliant.
Today is the day when I get to sit down with my wedding hair stylist, Tianna, and discuss what hair-dids I want!
It’s all happening at the speed-of-light and also at the slowness of molasses. I mean, there’s just a lot to plan for a wedding..and we’re doing a simple wedding. beach + pub, 1 each for our wedding party = easy.simple.laidback.
We met with our wedding celebrant yesterday. I put the wedding ceremony together, holy heavens even so many options for that. It’s amazing writing your own vows for your future husband. crazy. fun.
So..back to hair…sorry…here are some thoughts of what I’m thinking. Here’s about my hair length at the minutes.
beach wedding + cathedral length veil + semi-ballgown style dress + summer in Australia
What do you reckon?
I was going to write a post about how to overcome your fears. In fact it’s been brewing in my head for the past three days, but I’m still not sure how to put it into words…so I have sat on it for a bit. Waiting for the time.
But then I woke up this morning..and ALL I could see on FB and twitter was “Don’t Binge on Halloween Candy”.
I Google-ed “ways to avoid Halloween candy eating” —> 63,000,000 hits. 63 MILLION!
Some lady passing out flyers shaming children with whom she felt were obese.
People writing about ‘how not to binge on Halloween candy’, ‘why Halloween candy is bad for you’, posting every single WW point and servings for mini candy bars on FB. I do think it’s a good thing to think about these things. I also spread wide caution.
why do I spread caution about this all?
Because for many of us who have issues with food…shaming, guilt, listing reasons why we SHOULDN’T be eating something…is not helpful. It’s not helpful for me to sit and write a post about ’10 Ways to not eat a Snickers Bar’…and line it with old sayings that are laden with guilt and tired-ole antidotes ‘it tastes good on the lips, but lands on the hips’. I spent a vast majority of the past decade vacillating between knowing the points of two mini-candy bars, a snowflake, and a margarita….to binging my way through all the above. I spent so much time trying to control my own emotional responses to food by shaming, avoiding and justifying why I shouldn’t be doing something…that indeed I’ve put on weight that I’ve lost dieting (ironically, but not really) because I just couldn’t find a balance.
I couldn’t find the balance, because I was never really focusing on finding peace. More though, I wasn’t allowing myself the space to actually process if I wanted 10 Snickers bars, 5 iced sugar cookies and 2 spider-webbed cupcakes in 10 minutes. All I was thinking about was the list of reasons why I shouldn’t be eating them, how I was going to blow my points/calorie allotment, and how tomorrow “I was def giving up sugar, y’all.”
Oftentimes it ended in tears.
It ended in tears not solely because I felt so gross. It ended into tears, because I was so exhausted from trying to avoid myself and the fear I had over my perceived inability to actually honor what I wanted. I found this interesting article by Melinda Wenner Moyer, she quotes lots of studies outlining the importance of creating a non-restrictive, but balance approach to food as a parent. The outcome of one study whereby kids were denied fruit, but given sweets is that:
Most importantly, the kids who had not been given any restrictions ate less food overall than did the kids who had been restricted from either food.
I think this is true for a lot of us. Once we GIVE ourselves the permission to NOT restrict, because we no longer fear the ‘damage that we could do’, we ironically find that we binge less.
So have a damn snickers bar. But make sure you have it in a place of pure peace. And enjoy it…in fact you may find that you don’t really like it at all. But that’s the journey.