I have had a LOT of last suppers…these past three weeks.
I have been hiding in old, run down PJs, sweat shirts, and fleeces.
I have had wet hair and no masacra going for about 12 weeks straight with moments of a skirt and a coat of mascara.
I have baked, many times, so I could give it to others binge.
I have snuck back into the cafeteria, cause I have a master key, to get ice cream.
I have been finding solace…well escape in food.
I know I have not been eating well.
But let’s break it down JUST A BIT MORE…could we?
It’s all about rebelling against psuedo-dieting—>That’s right I AM STILL COUNTING POINTS.
I got on the scale tonight (yes, I know I shouldn’t have) and looked at the number.
I knew that it made sense—>I can’t deny how my body is actually feeling..to be honest.
I continue to engage in psuedo-dieting AND it is NOT getting me where I want to go.
I don’t know how to listen to my body..or that’s what I am have been telling myself.
Cause if I take away that ability to cope w/ food..then I have to completely start over again..or do I?
You see I have thought of intuitive eating as too hard—>there are not REAL rules…except to listen to yourself.
I got into the shower tonight (stopping a binge) and looked at my body—>It’s surround with a layer of fat that represents dieting, binging, NOT LISTENING.
I sat as the hot water ran over my body and said to myself..”you know what Michelle. dieting ain’t working. it’s got you to this point..so it’s time to listen to your body at least for a bit..and give it a go. cause really what the hell do you have to lose?”
It wasn’t about dragging myself down—> It was actually a really calm moment of clarity where I wasn’t “ok, fine I’ll try intuitive eating”….it was actually “I want to give this a good go”.
I am not perfect.
I never will be.
I am scared to go down this journey..because in some weird twisted f-ed up way I ‘know’ that WW works, but I don’t want to be a slave to it again.
I have NEVER listened to my body when it came to food…I have robbed my ‘ears’—> Or at least I thought that I have.
So…small little changes…choices are clicking in my brain.
I have no idea what it’s going to bring…but I am ready to give it a try…I am ready to jump in.
I am scared, cause I am having CHOOSING to throw out all of my coping mechanisms.
I am having to stand naked with myself and trust myself.
I have to start where it matters..inside.
Ever have one of those shower induced moments of clarity?
~Mish
eatingjourney.wordpress.com 
Oh man, have I ever had many a moment of shower clarity.
Hang in there, take it day by day, and do your best. 🙂
Hope
Yes, yes, YES! And you know what? This week, I am learning that I can do it. You can do it, too. You were given an amazing body that KNOWS how to nourish itself. It’s hard to trust, but I truly, truly think if we keep trying, we can get there. (Both of us!)
I think pseudo-dieting is worse than just dieting or not dieting. It’s like a hellish no man’s land where you try day in and day out to cope. Awful. Glad you’ve made the decision to stop.
As for the sweat pants? I have a very sweet faithful Christian aunt who says they were invented by Satan himself so that women wouldn’t realize when they weren’t honoring their bodies. I think she’s on to something.
Take good care.
love this comment. love it.
I wish I could have a moment of shower clarity. Wow! There is so much in this post. It does seem scary to actually throw out all of our “rules” and just listen to what our body “wants”. It makes so much sense though. Our body tells us when it’s tired and we sleep, so why don’t we eat when we are hungry and stop when we’re full. Good luck on this journey!!!
Hang in there!!
I actually find comfort in “counting” (points in the past; calories now) because I’m OCD.
BUT, if you’re trying to veer away from that, and do a more listen-to-your hunger approach, you may want to pick up a book called, The Weigh Down Diet. It’s faith-based, and I know of people who have found peace with it.
I have heard about ‘the Weight down diet’ before..one of my friend’s mom’s was on it. I am bit scared and/or tenative to do something like that w/ my faith..cause I don’t want to rebel against dieting and my faith into one..but when i have a bit more time…i’ll for sure research it. 🙂
I have so been there! I know how terrifying it is to throw out the rules that you’ve lived by for so long, and I know how frightening it is to try to do nothing but trust your body. But once you do it, it feels so liberating!
I feel like it’s bungy jumping and forever I felt that my cord was dieting. Now i realise it’s me..and my faith…what a better safety net.
WOW…your words are very simular to mine! I am with you and want to listen to my body and trust that I can hear what it wants and I will make the right decisions about what is going into it! but my question is how do you (I) start?
Thanks for the post…Here’s to new adventures and self awareness!
I LOVE the idea of it being an adventure. I feel like I might need a machete.